No lovely cast.

In a dream last night, Wayland and I both arrived home from work one night to find an empty house. The girls should have been there with Wayland's mom, but everything felt unnaturally quiet and still. We were standing in the dining room and suddenly Wayland announced, "Look who's here," and I turned, expecting to see his mom's car in the driveway. Instead, I saw Violet outside, pressing her face against the window. She was coming up from a hole in the ground, like an actual flower. She seemed nonplussed.

I was enraged. Wayland's mother had gone off with Mad and left Violet all alone! How could she? And just where had she gone? Where did she take Mad? Why weren't they HERE?

In the dream, I was clenched, angry, ready to yell. Furious. What was she doing to our family? I felt like she was taking it away from me. I could feel it slipping through my fists and I just wanted to hit something.

I am getting shaky, trying not to cry as I type this. Stupid, man.

Lately I feel incomplete. Unsettled. I am doing something wrong. Not living my life. Not embracing what I love most. Here is the hard truth: I changed jobs and I am 1000% happier in my job now. I changed jobs and I am 1000% less happy in how I am managing the things that matter most. I don't always feel this way. Sometimes all the pieces fall in the right places and that elusive balance is never obtained, but something close to it. It's manageable. I think: I can be happy this way. But it never takes much to tip the scales too much in the wrong direction.

I woke up this morning with a headache. Madeleine woke up too early and was fine for a bit, but she got upset that I couldn't sit and watch Skunk-fu with her all morning. When Violet got up, Madeleine didn't want her on the couch and put her blanket in Violet's face, trying to push her way. "Mad," I told her in the warning-mom voice. "Don't."

"But I don't want her here! I don't want to watch TV with her! I want her to go play."

"Violet can watch TV," I told her. "Don't put your hands on her."

I turn to grab a movie for them to watch and see from the corner of my eye that she is pushing at her again. Violet reaches over and scratches her.

"GUYS!" I exclaim. "STOP IT!"

They both burst into hysterical tears.

I sit on the couch, take a deep breath, try to soothe. "Mad, why don't you want Violet to watch TV with you?"

"Because I don't LIKE her!"

Violet: "I don't like you, either."

"You cannot talk to each other this way," I begin, but Mad reaches over and hits Violet.

Mad has to take a break.

I'm carrying Mad out of her room when the doorbell rings. It's the neighbor letting me know that water has been running out of our backyard all night long. Violet must have turned the faucet on yesterday when she was playing back there, after I explicitly told her not to.

I stomp through mud to turn the faucet off, wincing at the huge puddle of water now in our neighbor's driveway.

Wayland's mom shows up, chirps out a "Good morning!"

"Ha ha, no," I tell her, and debrief her on the day's happenings.

She tells me what I have to do - keep them separate. She had to do that yesterday. Sometimes it's the only way with them. I clench my jaw, try not to snap at her: I know how to deal with my children.

She tells me that she wishes she could have more one-on-one time with Madeleine.

"So do I," I suddenly want to scream at her. SO DO I. With both of them. Every single day. Hell, I would love ANY time with them, save the short few hours before we have to get them to bed.

Anything more than this.

I tell the girls goodbye before I leave, give them kisses and tell them I love them. They blithely sip their milk and don't even look in my direction. "I'll miss you," I tell them. And though I know I should ask the next question, I do. "Will you miss me?"

I expect Violet to say yes, but she smiles at me. "No," she says pleasantly. "I won't miss you."

::

I know there's nothing lovely about this. I have no lovely cast for this. It is what it is. My life tipped too far away from balance, spurred by an awful dream and crappy morning. Tonight I'm going to make breakfast for dinner, have some wine later and go to bed early. It's all I can do at the moment, and wait for the scale to balance itself back out again.