Etch-a-sketch vision

What is my problem, anyway?

I feel timid. Unsure.

Where are my bold strokes of brilliance, light steps, raised fists, solar bursts of joy?

Where is my elemental sense of belonging?

I don't feel right. Down to my cells. Something is wrong.

It's that I have this clear vision of what I want for my life in my head and it is NOT AT ALL what my life actually is right now. It's not like I'm asking for diamonds or leather boots for unicorn riding. I'm not asking for a unicorn.

I'm asking for BALANCE, yes, a feeling that I am doing well at my work and doing well in my home. I'm asking for more time at home and less time at work. I'm asking for passion for home and passion for work. And, well,

I might as well be asking for diamonds.

I can't unstick myself. I'm like detritus snagged on a submerged limb in a river. I can't go with the flow.

This the problem, how I frame myself. Detritus. Snagged. Submerged limbs. Can't.

Be the river, maybe. Don't make a plan. Erase that etch-a-sketch vision I have for my life, just give it a good shaking and it's gone. Color within the lines of what I have, then smudge it a bit. Cerulean blue streaking the page into yellow into red then off the table.

Make a mess and get there.

Do magical, miraculous movie moments ever happen in real life? If so, I'd like one to happen to me today or some time soon. Pleaseandthankyou.

The people I really like to see.

From Geese Aplenty:

"The people I really like to see are a rare occurrence, but I keep an eye out for them. They’re the people who come at you from the opposite direction. And they’re smiling and laughing. You have to look to see if they’re actually talking on a bluetooth, or if a little white wire trickling out of their ears indicates they’re listening to a funny podcast. If not, then you’re in the presence of a very rare sighting. You’ve found the people who are remembering something or thinking something so great that they can’t keep it inside of them. It floats up to their face and causes them to grin as they walk, and they carry their amusement with them like a balloon."